Adonai vs. Allah: Results

I would like to begin by reminding everyone that all contestants knew about this competition in advance and agreed to participate. They even had, as you may remember, their pictures posted on this here blog. Curiously, however, several of them feigned ignorance when it came time to perform. And by "them" I mean the Israelis.

You can see in the video all four Palestinians chilling in their assigned positions, waiting patiently for the games to begin. On the other couch, the assigned Israeli dugout, things start to fall apart. And amidst loud complaints and relentless ribbing from their friends, the Jews decide not to compete. I had originally allowed only actual Israelis to enter the competition, not all Jews. But as the evening wore on, it became clear that Team Israel needed help if they were going to avoid a total forfeit. So I tried to convince Jordan (the Nikon lover) to help out, as well as Jessica, the one who revealed to the world that her people are really only good for telling jokes. What a shocker.

I believe I told several of you days beforehand:

Palestinians have more arm strength but Israelis are shit talkers.

It looks like they talked themselves right out of this. As Jordan stood up to leave, he said, "If I were competing, it would be on the Palestinian team because I don't support the occupation."

However, one brave soul did stay to play. And for obvious reasons. Edik's unbearably defined arm is clearly seen in the video, as is his amiable attitude and good-natured sportsmanship. Hazem was chosen to compete with him from Team P-stine because it was believed they were the most fairly matched, a suspicion reinforced by the fact that the match went on forever in what seemed like it could become a stalemate. It was ended twice by Hazem lifting his elbow, a foul that was not appreciated by the crowd. They went first with their right arms, then left, then right again, when it was finally agreed by the crowd that Hazem won fairly.

The opening band for the arm wrestling was the ongoing Nikon vs. Canon debate, this time featuring Jordan and the unwitting pawns, Lael and Ardit.

Basically what happened here was a bunch of friends had a really good time teasing each other and laughing about inside jokes.

Inside jokes that the world now knows about. Which makes them...outside jokes. I guess.

Anyway, I reiterate that all they need over there is a big dinner party, some music, and...a camera pointed at them at all times.

Lola Discovers Middle East Solution

Give them food.



Here we have two Israelis and two Palestinians sharing in my birthday feast. I think it's pretty clear what we need to do now. We need to go over there...and throw a dinner party. That's all they need. Some meatloaf will fix them right up.

Fear not, readers. Pictures and video, along with a full play-by-play, will be posted soon. Of the competition, obviously.

Spitzer Plunges into Sock Gap

Another man has fallen victim to The Sock Gap. It is unclear as of yet if taking his socks off would have prevented his predicament.

The information we currently have only indicates that Governer Spitzer, it was recently revealed, made use of another prostitute, who tells invest-uh-gators that Spitzer liked to keep his socks on during sex.

Some might argue that The Sock Gap rule should not apply if you're paying for sex because you don't have to worry about what the woman thinks of you, or whether you'll get another date. Not true, my friends. Simply not true. Would you expect good customer service from any service professional after exhibiting poor manners? Would you expect a waitress to bring you free dinner rolls after farting at the table on your last visit? Would you expect a bank teller to speed you through your deposit when she's just watched you wipe your nose and touch the money you're about to hand her?

Wearing only socks during sex is bad bedroom etiquette.

Thanks, Pauline, for sending that in. Pauline says:

I can't believe I'm even reading this...

Nobody Loves Gaza

This new development wherein Hamas offers a truce with Israel smells suspiciously like Egypt. As usual, the headline is striking: Hamas Offers Gaza Truce with Israel. Everyone is thinking, fuck yeah! Finally! But when you've seen headlines like this over and over, you become skeptical. The first thing to be done when investigating the truth of such headlines is to find out where the information is coming from. In this case, the news is straight from Reuter's Cairo correspondent. Hm.

Then, one must consider the recent events preceding the headline. In this case, former president Jimmy Carter just ended a peacekeeping mission to Gaza which was declared unsuccessful by West Bank leader Mahmoud Abbas and Hamas leaders. But suddenly Egypt has the solution: just stop shooting at each other.

Thirdly, and most importantly, does Egypt have a stake in this thing?

The Egyptian intelligence chief, who is in regular contact with the Israelis, has been trying to negotiate a truce between Israel and Hamas, especially since Palestinians broke through the border with Egypt in January to escape a long Israeli siege.

Oh, ok. So Egypt is like, shitshit we're being overrun by penniless refugees! How can we get this to stop?

And, what does this actually mean?

A Palestinian official close to the talks said the Hamas delegation would tell Suleiman it is prepared to accept the idea of a staged truce, starting with Gaza only.

A nameless official affiliated with which Palestinian faction? Oh right, we don't know. And when is Hamas going to tell Egypt they like this truce? Again, we don't know. What have we actually learned so far? That Egypt would like refugees from Gaza to stop pouring into their country, thank you very much.

And, finally, what Israel has to say about this:

"We are not holding our breath," a senior Israeli official said.

And:

Israel has said it is not negotiating a truce with Hamas but would have no reason to launch attacks on the Gaza Strip if rocket fire from the territory ceased.

Do I detect a hint of smugness here? You can almost see them shrugging their shoulders. Israel knows very well they have superior resources and control of Gaza's port. In the short run, they don't have enough of a motivation for a truce.

New Entries for Adonai v Allah '08

The tables have turned. The scales have tipped. Team P-Stine is now the underdog. This is because Edik has now entered the race on Team Jew.

For Israel

Edik:


For Palestine

Iyas:

Lola Does Penis Snatching

Um, wow. What year is this? 1985, 1895, 1865? Where are we?

Lynchings are rampant this week in Congo as there have been rumors of sorcerers about who steal or shrink one's penis. My favorite quotes from the article are:

"Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings."

Wait. 8 million people? And they still believe in penis snatching? But I have to see their logic, someone wearing a gold ring but taking a communal taxi must have something wrong with them.

"But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it'," he said.

My psychic prediction is that the world would be a better place if everyone "went home and tried it."

And finally, in the last paragraph of the article, the true anthropological purpose of this rumor is revealed:

""It's real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny," said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station."

Anyone with a small penis now has a legitimate reason.

Dante Finds his Beatrice

My Dante is usually a pretty easygoing dog. Cool, calm, and collected. Nothing ever really riles him up. (Except his secret lover Jordan.) Everyone who knows him can attest to the fact that he's like this 99% of the time:



But...about once a year he gets to see his beloved Beatrice. And when that happens, he's like this:



For those of you who don't remember, this is Dante with Beatrice when she was just a wee pup.

Lola Does Polygamy

What a debacle. I'm sure we've all at least heard of the polygamist compound in Texas that was raided due to a 911 call and hundreds of children were then taken into state custody.

I have mixed feelings on this issue. The most glaring problem I have with the whole situation is that 437 children are now homeless and torn from the only community they have ever known. Based on the lack of evidence, so far, of any child abuse, this seems like a pretty big price for the children to pay for their "liberation." And a pretty big price for their parents to pay for living an unaccepted lifestyle.

On the side of the government, this polygamist sect (The Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints) was tolerated, if not accepted, by the larger community until there was a report of an underage girl married to an older man, the report called in by the girl herself. Would it really have been so difficult just to wait until these girls are 18 to marry them off? Would it? Everyone could have their cake and eat it too if they would just have been a little more patient. I'd say God's army doesn't need replenishing that urgently.

In the newest development to this story, all the children and many of the adults are being DNA tested to determine parentage because most of the children don't know who their blood family is. WTF. You cannot apply a system of measurement to a concept that was not built upon that system. You cannot measure a mile in ounces. You cannot measure IQ in pounds. You cannot determine who is whose family in this situation with DNA. The government has set out to judge a situation without understanding it. It can't be done.

And on one final note: how much is this costing? I suspect that when whatever lawyer or social worker brought up DNA testing as a solution to the tangle, everyone sighed deeply and hung their heads. Because they knew it was the only solution that wouldn't make it look like they knew they had made a mistake in hastily removing the children from their homes. But they also knew it would cost a fortune and be a waste of time.

My psychic prediction is that they will make a big show of the DNA testing process to distract everyone with science. And then when the press isn't looking, they'll let everyone go back home. Probably they will also arrest one or two dudes from the compound and actually convict one on some or other charge. Sacrificial lamb.

Adonai vs. Allah

AKA Take Off Your Shirt Because it's Lola's Birthday

Announcing the first annual AWFP: Arm Wrestle for Peace. Otherwise known as Lola's 25th birthday party.

The Competition: Israelis vs. Palestinians.

The Tools: sheer strength.

The Cause: Lola's amusement. And...er...peace. Yeah.

The deadline for signing up is Saturday, April 26th at 9pm. Which is when the competition will commence. The current lineup is as follows:

For Israel

Carmel:


Eli:


For Palestine

Aman:


Hazem:


Nader:


I will post more pictures of contestants as they announce their intention to compete.

What People are Saying:

Cruey: Go jew team. We've got god on our side.

Allan: Wow. I'm there.

Portia: you REALLY trying to entice me!!
pandering to my love of nakid pretty men.
you are FOUL!

Blair Puts Hamas' Words on Menu, Delicious

Photo by blhphotography.

"Palestine," a shaky distinction to begin with, is becoming even further divided. With the West Bank and Gaza being separated from each other by miles of Israeli checkpoints and being run by two different governments, it's becoming even harder to call them one country.

Middle East envoy and former British Prime Minister Tony Blair dangled a carrot to Hamas on Monday. He told the press, "It's worth repeating on behalf of the international community that if the situation could only change there, there would also be an enormous desire to help people in Gaza too, not just people in the West Bank." It's widely known that to receive aid and to stop getting the cold shoulder from the West, Hamas must do two things: renounce violence, and recognize Israel.

The West Bank, run by Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, has experienced some economic growth due in part to making friends with the West and recognizing Israel's right to exist. The same cannot be said for Hamas-led Gaza, which split completely from the West Bank last June when Hamas took control of the presidential compound in Gaza.

I think it's gone too far for Hamas to do a 180 without some way to save face. Recognizing Israel's right to exist at this point is tantamount to eating their words, a fate worse than death. With accomplished and talented people like Tony Blair and Nobel Peace Prize winner former president Carter working on this, they should be able to think of a creative way for all sides to maintain some dignity.

Lola Does Jesus

I love this city. On Reuter's "Strange and Unusual" slideshow for this week, San Francisco events constitute 3 out of 36 photos. No other city was used more than once in the slideshow.

The three events were:

• The Lusty Lady takeover, in which the strippers bought the strip club in order to run it as a cooperative.
  
• The Union Square Pillow Fight.
  
• The Hunky Jesus contest, which happened in Dolores Park on Easter and was sponsored by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.
  

Here is some video from this year's Hunky Jesus Contest. My favorite quote was, "Why do we love Jesus? Seven holes!"

Lola Gets a Camera

And the result is- finally- the Nikon vs. Canon debate captured for all the world to see. This is just a taste, really. The only reason the debate has not erupted into all-out warfare in this clip is because Jordan (a Nikon owner) was not present.

The other aspect of this snippet is that Eli, an actor and natural performer, will not do anything entertaining while my camera is running. He will eventually be punished.

Palestinian Children Denied Mail

First of all: Ghaith al-Omari. Could he be any uglier? Did anyone consider a phone interview? He's like a SNL parody of himself.

This unbearably long Charlie Rose clip is about Bush's visit to Palestine in which he gave a speech recognizing Palestine as a sovereign nation and urging Israel to do the same. Audio of that speech here but beware- it's partnered with propaganda images and music. Dennis Ross, author of "Statecraft" says in this video that Bush's Annapolis meeting was more stagecraft than statecraft. As the months slip away, it becomes more and more clear that this is the case.

Case in point: the United States Postal Service. They do not ship to Palestine. They do not even have Palestine in their computer system. If Bush and his administration was really interested in promoting the idea of Palestine as a sovereign nation, wouldn't they start by calling it one?

Private shipping companies have various ways of designating the Palestinian territories, such as FedEx, which ships to "Palestine Autonomous." DHL ships to "Israel, Israel (West Bank), and Israel (Gaza)". UPS, like its acronymic cousin, ships only to Israel. And it's not as if USPS is purely interested in condensing their list or keeping things simple. They ship to such obscure places like Anjouan (Comoros), Christmas Island (Kiribati), and Pitcairn Island which has a population of 50 (inbred descendants of the mutineers of the HMS Bounty). The USPS also recognizes antiquated names like Eire (Ireland), Hashemite Kingdom (Jordan), and Persia (Iran).

In conclusion, someone please give al-Omari a trim. Please.

Bunnies in the AM

Ok so I like to watch bunny movies in the morning. What about it?!





Another thing I like to look at in the morning is Cute Overload. Only visit if you have more than 20 minutes to kill.

"Pregnant Man" Headline Misleading

First of all, I hate that Oprah tries to imply that Thomas ended up transgendered because his mother died right before he hit puberty. And that Thomas is too nervous about being on television to pick up on that. He fell right in.

"So when you were 12 years old, your mom died, and you were left with not a lot of feminine images."

Then there was discussion about puberty and Oprah repeatedly used the phrase "in the wrong body."

"I didn't know about boobs. I was just used to catching footballs!"

Come on dude, you're pregnant. You don't get to pretend to be some All-American male. Also, maybe you should have discussed this whole subject with, I don't know, anyone besides Oprah first.

Oprah: Did you have boyfriends? Did you like girls? Did you get testicle implants? What did they do with your boobies?

OMG! Could this whole thing be any more uncomfortable for anyone involved?

And by the way, has everyone forgotten that this has happened before? Ten years ago, FTM couple Matt Rice and Patrick Califia, made the news for doing just that, here in San Francisco. However, maybe their story wouldn't fit in on Oprah because they weren't simulating a hetero couple. Read about their story here.

Further Campaigning Against the O Word

"Organic, as far as I can tell, means food that is not washed."

Thank you, Craig Ferguson. You're doing very important work.

Today's Buzzword: Organic

I have for a while noticed a linguistic trend regarding the word "organic." In olden times it meant anything related to life. Then, some time ago, it became a reference to responsibly or "naturally" farmed produce. Now it can be used to mean anything, and take on any form the user wishes. Such as:

"I try to come up with my ideas organically."

"Are those pants organic?"

"I love Matisse, his lines are so organic."

"I'm healing from the flu organically."

"The flaws in your writing are too organic to be easily remedied."

"It's an organic theory of history."

Organic has uses in such diverse realms as chemistry, biology, pathology, psychology, philosophy, law, architecture, fine arts, and history. More information about the 15 official uses of the word here.

It is my opinion that when the meaning of a word is completely dependent on the context in which it is used, it no longer has any meaning at all. And since I'm against the usage of words that have no meaning (unless I, myself, make it up and assign its meaning) I hereby announce my boycott of the word organic. I am a force to be reckoned with.

Jack has this to say about it:

"But you're white. What sort of food are you going to eat?"

Bunnies make Fools of Horses, Dogs

Here we've had animals like horses and dogs doing this for so long. Ridiculous!



The research reflex was activated. It must be followed to its true end. The above video brought me to this page.

That page, in turn, brought me to this page. That page brought me to this video:



And that, obviously, brought me to this video:



THE END